March Madness

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. You need to forgive and forget.
Cut your losses, and move on. Let bygones be bygones. Never make the same mistake twice. Don’t hold grudges. We have all heard and said these mantras over and over again, but they feel like they are actually in opposition to one another. How does one let bygones be bygones, but also not play the fool? I have, as everyone else in the world, been disappointed by friends and family and colleagues and have struggled with this notion. So I began to wonder, who is right? Should you learn from your lessons and let go of certain people and/or things in your life or should you hold on to them and forgive and forget? Or more appropriately, can you forgive and forget a person for their infraction or an offense, and still move along?

I don’t understand why the two have to be mutually exclusive. Forgive and forget implies that the offense is forgiven, forgotten, and things can go on as usual. But does that allow you to learn from experience? If a person borrows money from you and never pays it back, should you forgive and forget that infraction, and still loan money as you usually would? I would hope not. History has warned you against it. You can forgive the person, but forgetting the action keeps you from learning the lesson.

In my house, I have inspirational vitamins, if you will, posted all over the walls. Periodically, I look at them, and am uplifted. One of my favorites says, “If you meet someone whose soul is not aligned with yours, send them love, and move along.” This says to me, if there is someone who doesn’t stand for what you stand for, doesn’t exhibit mutual care and respect for you, don’t be concerned with developing a relationship with them. Stay positive and don’t harbor any ill feelings for them, but move along. I call this intuition. I call this learning from life’s lessons. Other people call it holding a grudge...not fair. Should you keep someone in your life because they have been there? I am a firm believer in some people being in your life for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. Madea claimed that we keep people in our life for a lifetime, when they were intended to be there for a season. “Letting go” of someone could be that you simply understand that their season is up, and for me, that’s growth, not grudge.

But I guess what’s important is that you shouldn’t feel the need to defend your growth/grudge to anyone. You do need to assess it, however. 1) Do you feel like the relationship can bounce back from the offense? Sometimes, quite honestly, the hurt is so deep, the cut so bad, that recovery seems far beyond reach. I would say, let that thang play out. Eventually time will tell if the relationship is reparable. 2) What does the offense say about the person? One thing that cannot be negated is that we all make mistakes. Is the offense typical of the person? Is it apart of their character? Or was it happenstance? For example, if a person offends you, and at the core of the offense was selfishness, you would need to figure out if it’s a character trait. If it is quite simply a character trait, you can rest assured that selfishness will come up again in the relationship. Which brings me to the third question…3) Can you handle that character trait? If that person is like Jack from Will and Grace, at the center, with everything else revolving around him or her, can you handle that? Is it okay that your needs or desires may take a backseat to theirs? If so, be okay with it, and do not get upset when their selfishness rears its ugly head. 4) What is the purpose of this “moving along?” Are you brutally angry? Are their additions to your life much less than the subtractions? Do they take more from your spirit than they add to it? If that is the case, I say, send them love, and move along.

The key is indeed sending them love, however. At the core of this process is the refusal to let bitterness intercede your feelings and actions. It’s the age old adage that you forgive others for yourself, not necessarily for them. You have to forgive them for their infraction, in order to not let bitterness and anger reside in your spirit and heart. If you do, you will find that even though you have “moved along” from them, you have also brought them with you, in the form of disappointment and hurt, in your future relationships.

And the title of this blog…well I compare friendships and familyships to March Madness. You may have 16 (in honor of Ochocinco ) people, friends or family, in your life that have some sort of significance for you. Through trials, events, and circumstances, a person’s place in the bracket will shift depending on their decisions and its affect on you. A little bit different from the actual March Madness though, one bad performance doesn’t necessarily knock a person out of the competition or your life, but perhaps their place in it may change. Instead of your BFF, they are now your BF or just your F, or maybe even an A (associate). You now know the healthiest way to interact with that person, in order for your needs not to get compromised. And for all parties involved…try not to take it personal, you’re just moving people along, based on their performance.