Gravity

“Girls you know you better watch out. Some guys, some guys are only about, that thing, that thing, that thing,” Lauryn Hill warned us years ago. She was warning that some men are only after one thing, and in the previous verse, she gave that same warning about women. Men and women, though trying to hide their truths, are all after some “thing.” While I agree with Lauryn, and it’s actually one of my favorite songs of hers, I want to take her song a step further. In relationships, and even in our friendships or familyships, we all have a “thing” that attracts us or repels us from another person. I am not talking about the way a person looks or the kind of financial stability they offer, I am talking about “that thing.” “That thing” is more of a feeling that a person allows us to experience when we are in their presence or in communication with them. This is what turns casual dating into exclusivity, exclusivity into engagement, engagement into marriage, and marriage into forever. The presence or lack thereof has large affects on the strength of the relationship.

For some of us, “that thing” could be “feeling understood.” That person makes us feel as if they understood our experiences, our fears, our troubles. They really get “us,” the essence of who we are as people. We feel as if we don’t have to explain all of our idiosyncrasies to them, because for some reason, they already know. For others of us, “that thing” could be “feeling wanted.” That person is so into our physical, spiritual, or emotional being that we really can feel their desire for us. That attracts us to them. One of our needs is to feel wanted, and their ability to provide that for us is attractive. For some men, “that thing” may be that she makes you feel strong, or needed. Instead of emasculating you, she makes you feel that you are her hero, her strength, and that you are not merely an addition, but more of a complement. You know that you have a place in her life.

“That thing” can really separate the boys from the men, the girls from the women, the jump offs from the boos. One person could be dating two people with the exact same credentials, in regards to attractiveness, personality, career, but where they land in that person’s life could be completely different, if they are offering “that thing.” A woman can have a man that treats her nicely, cares for her, and shows it in his actions, but if her “thing” is to feel uninhibited, and he doesn’t provide that for her, her heart may be found elsewhere. She may need someone that helps her release her inhibitions, her fears, her self-checks, and if she doesn’t feel comfortable to do that with him, a vital part of their relationship will be lacking. Likewise, a man can have a woman that cooks, cleans, provides “that thing” that Lauryn was talking about, but he may not be completely invested. If his “thing” is that his woman makes him feel “safe,” safe to let go, safe to confide, safe to give his all, and that woman does not make him feel “safe,” it may seem like his presence is there, but his heart is not.

The funny thing about “that thing” is that it differs from person to person. It may be something that I want, but it could be something that another person needs…like gravity. Many times, the “that thing” in our life, stems from something in our past, perhaps a relationship, an interaction, an event, and it has come to shape or determine our future relationships. I would say that before you go from one person to the next, thinking, “I don’t know, it’s just something about them that I don’t like,” do some self searching. So I ask you, what’s your “that thing?”