Gravity

“Girls you know you better watch out. Some guys, some guys are only about, that thing, that thing, that thing,” Lauryn Hill warned us years ago. She was warning that some men are only after one thing, and in the previous verse, she gave that same warning about women. Men and women, though trying to hide their truths, are all after some “thing.” While I agree with Lauryn, and it’s actually one of my favorite songs of hers, I want to take her song a step further. In relationships, and even in our friendships or familyships, we all have a “thing” that attracts us or repels us from another person. I am not talking about the way a person looks or the kind of financial stability they offer, I am talking about “that thing.” “That thing” is more of a feeling that a person allows us to experience when we are in their presence or in communication with them. This is what turns casual dating into exclusivity, exclusivity into engagement, engagement into marriage, and marriage into forever. The presence or lack thereof has large affects on the strength of the relationship.

For some of us, “that thing” could be “feeling understood.” That person makes us feel as if they understood our experiences, our fears, our troubles. They really get “us,” the essence of who we are as people. We feel as if we don’t have to explain all of our idiosyncrasies to them, because for some reason, they already know. For others of us, “that thing” could be “feeling wanted.” That person is so into our physical, spiritual, or emotional being that we really can feel their desire for us. That attracts us to them. One of our needs is to feel wanted, and their ability to provide that for us is attractive. For some men, “that thing” may be that she makes you feel strong, or needed. Instead of emasculating you, she makes you feel that you are her hero, her strength, and that you are not merely an addition, but more of a complement. You know that you have a place in her life.

“That thing” can really separate the boys from the men, the girls from the women, the jump offs from the boos. One person could be dating two people with the exact same credentials, in regards to attractiveness, personality, career, but where they land in that person’s life could be completely different, if they are offering “that thing.” A woman can have a man that treats her nicely, cares for her, and shows it in his actions, but if her “thing” is to feel uninhibited, and he doesn’t provide that for her, her heart may be found elsewhere. She may need someone that helps her release her inhibitions, her fears, her self-checks, and if she doesn’t feel comfortable to do that with him, a vital part of their relationship will be lacking. Likewise, a man can have a woman that cooks, cleans, provides “that thing” that Lauryn was talking about, but he may not be completely invested. If his “thing” is that his woman makes him feel “safe,” safe to let go, safe to confide, safe to give his all, and that woman does not make him feel “safe,” it may seem like his presence is there, but his heart is not.

The funny thing about “that thing” is that it differs from person to person. It may be something that I want, but it could be something that another person needs…like gravity. Many times, the “that thing” in our life, stems from something in our past, perhaps a relationship, an interaction, an event, and it has come to shape or determine our future relationships. I would say that before you go from one person to the next, thinking, “I don’t know, it’s just something about them that I don’t like,” do some self searching. So I ask you, what’s your “that thing?”

I Can't Even Spell Monogamie (monogamy)

I had a very interesting conversation with a young man one day, a football player. He is a fairly nice looking guy, nice build. He has a girlfriend of three years. To him, she’s the one. As a declaration of his undying love, he has a tattoo with her name on his arm. Also as a declaration of his undying love, he admittedly cheats on her. Fortunately or unfortunately, she is unaware that he is still “sewing his royal oats.” He justifies his cheating, wandering eyes, hands, and pleasure parts with the fact that he is young, and life should be enjoyed. He brushed off the idea that he was legitimately cheating on “the one.” So then I began to wonder…How does one justify cheating?

Its one of those things, everybody does it..Right? You can sit there high and mighty with your chest poked out if you want to, but I know better. Cheating has become one of America’s favorite pastimes, right up there with baseball and drinking. I’m not going to even try to tap into the cheating during marriage phenomenon that’s overwhelming the country, let’s just stay in safer ground, cheating while you are in an exclusive relationship with someone. It’s like, before marriage, anything goes, you’re not tied down to anyone legally, so what’s the big deal?

Well, I’ll tell ya the big deal. Someone else’s emotions are tied up into another person’s selfish behavior, it isn’t just about you. But before the behavior occurs, some justification has to be made. Over the years, what I have found is that people justify cheating by one of six ways, or some combination of the six.

1). People, particularly men, like variety. If they are dating one person, they may get used to that person fairly quickly, and the excitement is gone. They get bored. If they are physical with another person, they are able to keep their sexual life exciting and new. And even when those people on the starting lineup begin the bore them, what’s that?...yep, they’re on to the next.

2). People want the best of both worlds. What I mean is, different people, different relationships, different setups, all offer something different, but yet exciting and desirable. There may be one quality in one person that you love and another quality in someone else that you adore. How many times have we said, “Well I love how Dexter can hold a conversation, but I love how I feel when I’m with Winston.” There are so many things that we are attracted to and unattracted to, that we in essence have to weigh what we can live with and what we can’t live without…but until then, we’ll settle for the perfect persons, some combination of men or women, that give us all that we could ever want or need.

3). People are dissatisfied with the relationship, but unwilling to let go of being in a relationship. This one really kills me, because it’s really a waste of time for all parties involved. For whatever reason, a person has emotionally, and maybe even physically, checked out of the relationship, but they want all of the social or financial perks of being in one. The person has decided that for whatever reason, that they are not getting what they need from the relationship. And really, this is fine. People grow apart. People’s needs change. I am not negating that fact. However, if that person is not meeting your spiritual, emotional, sexual, and psychological needs, why stay? We stay because it’s what we have known for so long, it’s comfortable. Being “single” carries some sort of stigma that some people are not prepared for. So instead of moving on, and allowing the other person to move on and halfway meet someone else’s needs, they get their needs met by dating multiple people.

4). Some people are just selfish. They feel as if they are invincible and that they should be able to do what they want. I really think that this is where my football player falls. He never mentioned anything about his needs not being met, or his girlfriend being deficient in any area, he just wanted to have sex with multiple women. It was all about him, and none about her. Her feelings did not matter, and he took for granted their relationship. He took the montage “Imma do me,” and ran with it…good for him…NOT!

5). This reason is so fantastic, that it actually should probably be a little higher up on the totem pole. To be honest, many people just are not ready for a serious relationship and what that entails. They definitely like the idea of having someone around and available, being able to connect with someone emotionally and sexually, but as far as being exclusively involved with that person, it just might be too much. They’re not ready for all that. They like the consistency of a relationship, but they definitely are not committed to the exclusivity of it. Instead of expressing that with their significant other, and seeing where that takes them, they would rather have a basketball team than a MVP.

6). Last but certainly not least comes from a conversation that I had with a younger, male cousin of mine. He said that he felt like 99% of men would cheat if they 100%, without a doubt, guaranteed knew that they would not get caught. In essence, the only thing that keeps men from cheating is the threat that they would get caught. So on the flip side, people, women included, cheat because they do not think that their indiscretions will be uncovered. And to take it a step further, they feel that even if they did get caught, they would not lose their partner. So at the end of the day, what harm is it doing? I can cheat, get all my needs met, feel like “I still got it,” and not even get caught? Bet. Now this conversation with my cousin definitely shocked the dickens out of me, so don’t worry, I’ll have an entire entry devoted to it in the future.

So that’s all folks, men cheat, women cheat…who cheats more, well that’s not the focus of this entry. All I’m saying is, where there is a cheater, a reason is there also. There’s a method behind their infidelity. One doesn’t just fall on or in something by mistake, it’s contemplated, justified, and sought out.

I do...do I?

This new phenomenon is quite disgusting…quite depressing…quite on my nerves. We have all heard it from some 35+ person in our lives that quite frankly puts a dent in our respect for their love life. “Well we’ve been dating for years. We have two kids together, so we just went ahead and did it. We went ahead and got married.” Newsflash, in case you were wondering, don’t just go ahead and marry me. I want the real thing. It seems as if we have it all backwards. If we could just take a second and go back to the Stone Age. Remember the childhood song that we all hated, but secretly loved to hear, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage.” We blushed when we heard those words. Our friends were teasing us, but at some point we thought that perhaps we did want love first, then marriage, then a baby. What happened?

Okay, I got it. Things don’t necessarily happen that way. People make love in the club, babies get born in the hospital…I get it. I’m not even trippin on that. What I’m saying is, babies come, people get married, and we’re not even sure if love is there. People are entering into marriage way less deliberately, less passionately, than ever before. It’s like, well we’ve being playing house all this time, why not go ahead and make it official. But if your heart is not in it, then why sign up for the formality?

Like I said, don’t just go ahead and marry me. I’ve always thought that sounds so much less on purpose. That it is more of a business deal, or well it just makes sense deal, than a love deal, a dealing of the heart. I want someone to want to be with me, to love me, and to actually want to spend the rest of their life with me. I don’t want to enter into marriage with someone because it’s easier that way, or because it just makes sense, or because we have been pretending for years. I want that person to undoubtedly feel that I am the one for them, not just the convenient one. Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic, but I would rather be engaged in a business deal instead of being married to one.

So what causes someone to just “go ahead and do it?” I know that I’ve discussed the idea that it’s easier that way, that they are comfortable not shaking the status quo, but I cannot help but to wonder if that person has in their mind given up on anything better. Have they decided that this is probably the best I’m going to get? I have two kids, dating is hard, we’ve been together all this time, and quite frankly, this is it..this is what love has for me. She cooks, she cleans, she takes care of my kids, and there are not many women that are going to put up with what I’m bringing. Or, he takes care of me and my kids, he works, and it’s nice having a man around the house, and there aren’t many men that are going to come in and take care of kids that aren’t theirs. Let’s just go ahead and do it..let’s just go ahead and get married. So you say you do…but do you?

Oh and although Carrie Bradshaw inspires me, I actually wrote this piece before Sex and the City 2 was released.