Class Act

I really hope that my attempt to be somewhat politically correct here is obvious, but I have got to speak on this issue. There is a double standard amongst the classes, or it could be formally educated vs. non-formally educated, that exists, and it will seep into a conversation near you. I'm sure that anyone who graduated from a highly respected university, or maybe even just graduated from any college, can feel me. I graduated from Emory University iwth my bachelor's degree, and I have often felt that people, even my family, have made slick remarks about what that represents. "Oh you know thats the 'Emory girl," or "that must be an 'Emory' joke," or "you know she's so educated, Ms. Emory."

I'm kind of at a lost for what an "Emory girl" is, and I didn't know that we had our own set of jokes. It's somewhat of a condascending, "she thinks she's all that," attitude that comes across as a joke, but you know there's something else that lies beneath it. I doubt that I would get the same response had I gone to a historically black college, a community college, or a predominantly white school with less prestige. And though I just finished my masters at Georgia State, no one thinks that we have our own jokes, or that I should have a "Georgia State girl" nickname. It's like we look down on each other if we feel someone else has "made it" or gotten an education that supasses what is deemed appropriate for blacks. I'm sorry that Emory was calling my name, and I answered.

I was at a town hall meeting the other day, and there was a panel of "experts" that were speaking about the violence in the black community. There were lawyers, a judge, community activists, and teachers on the panel. As to be expected at a panel discussion, they had on their Sunday's best. Some of the people in the audience, who quite frankly were from the neighborhood, and didn't seem to have had any formal education, downed the panelists for how they were dressed. "What you are saying is going to go in one ear and out the otehr because of what you are wearing. I feel as if I can't relate to you." Now while that might be true, and an issue to be addressed, what if the shoe were on the other foot? "What you're saying is going in one ear and out the othr because you have your pants sagging down to your knees. You have on a hat in the auditorium, and you have gold teeth. I feel as if I can't relate to you." I highly doubt any of the panelists would have gotten any "Amens!" on that.

It's seems like people with less education or that come from a lower tax bracket, are able to get away with saying disrepectful, aggressive things to their educated counterparts. If we were to start the insults, or say something in return, then we would be seen as forgetting where we came from, thinking that we are better than others, that we cannot relate to anyone that is not as educated as we are, or even that we have "sold out." Maybe it is a defense mechanism, where one feels as if they have to dismiss something that they have not achieved, in order to feel better about it. At the end of the day, I enjoy having friendships with people from all walks of life. It makes me well rounded. Why not respect the differences amongst people instead of using it as a way to separate and classify "for" and "against?"

I Can't Even Spell Monogamie (monogamy)

I had a very interesting conversation with a young man one day, a football player. He is a fairly nice looking guy, nice build. He has a girlfriend of three years. To him, she’s the one. As a declaration of his undying love, he has a tattoo with her name on his arm. Also as a declaration of his undying love, he admittedly cheats on her. Fortunately or unfortunately, she is unaware that he is still “sewing his royal oats.” He justifies his cheating, wandering eyes, hands, and pleasure parts with the fact that he is young, and life should be enjoyed. He brushed off the idea that he was legitimately cheating on “the one.” So then I began to wonder…How does one justify cheating?

Its one of those things, everybody does it..Right? You can sit there high and mighty with your chest poked out if you want to, but I know better. Cheating has become one of America’s favorite pastimes, right up there with baseball and drinking. I’m not going to even try to tap into the cheating during marriage phenomenon that’s overwhelming the country, let’s just stay in safer ground, cheating while you are in an exclusive relationship with someone. It’s like, before marriage, anything goes, you’re not tied down to anyone legally, so what’s the big deal?

Well, I’ll tell ya the big deal. Someone else’s emotions are tied up into another person’s selfish behavior, it isn’t just about you. But before the behavior occurs, some justification has to be made. Over the years, what I have found is that people justify cheating by one of six ways, or some combination of the six.

1). People, particularly men, like variety. If they are dating one person, they may get used to that person fairly quickly, and the excitement is gone. They get bored. If they are physical with another person, they are able to keep their sexual life exciting and new. And even when those people on the starting lineup begin the bore them, what’s that?...yep, they’re on to the next.

2). People want the best of both worlds. What I mean is, different people, different relationships, different setups, all offer something different, but yet exciting and desirable. There may be one quality in one person that you love and another quality in someone else that you adore. How many times have we said, “Well I love how Dexter can hold a conversation, but I love how I feel when I’m with Winston.” There are so many things that we are attracted to and unattracted to, that we in essence have to weigh what we can live with and what we can’t live without…but until then, we’ll settle for the perfect persons, some combination of men or women, that give us all that we could ever want or need.

3). People are dissatisfied with the relationship, but unwilling to let go of being in a relationship. This one really kills me, because it’s really a waste of time for all parties involved. For whatever reason, a person has emotionally, and maybe even physically, checked out of the relationship, but they want all of the social or financial perks of being in one. The person has decided that for whatever reason, that they are not getting what they need from the relationship. And really, this is fine. People grow apart. People’s needs change. I am not negating that fact. However, if that person is not meeting your spiritual, emotional, sexual, and psychological needs, why stay? We stay because it’s what we have known for so long, it’s comfortable. Being “single” carries some sort of stigma that some people are not prepared for. So instead of moving on, and allowing the other person to move on and halfway meet someone else’s needs, they get their needs met by dating multiple people.

4). Some people are just selfish. They feel as if they are invincible and that they should be able to do what they want. I really think that this is where my football player falls. He never mentioned anything about his needs not being met, or his girlfriend being deficient in any area, he just wanted to have sex with multiple women. It was all about him, and none about her. Her feelings did not matter, and he took for granted their relationship. He took the montage “Imma do me,” and ran with it…good for him…NOT!

5). This reason is so fantastic, that it actually should probably be a little higher up on the totem pole. To be honest, many people just are not ready for a serious relationship and what that entails. They definitely like the idea of having someone around and available, being able to connect with someone emotionally and sexually, but as far as being exclusively involved with that person, it just might be too much. They’re not ready for all that. They like the consistency of a relationship, but they definitely are not committed to the exclusivity of it. Instead of expressing that with their significant other, and seeing where that takes them, they would rather have a basketball team than a MVP.

6). Last but certainly not least comes from a conversation that I had with a younger, male cousin of mine. He said that he felt like 99% of men would cheat if they 100%, without a doubt, guaranteed knew that they would not get caught. In essence, the only thing that keeps men from cheating is the threat that they would get caught. So on the flip side, people, women included, cheat because they do not think that their indiscretions will be uncovered. And to take it a step further, they feel that even if they did get caught, they would not lose their partner. So at the end of the day, what harm is it doing? I can cheat, get all my needs met, feel like “I still got it,” and not even get caught? Bet. Now this conversation with my cousin definitely shocked the dickens out of me, so don’t worry, I’ll have an entire entry devoted to it in the future.

So that’s all folks, men cheat, women cheat…who cheats more, well that’s not the focus of this entry. All I’m saying is, where there is a cheater, a reason is there also. There’s a method behind their infidelity. One doesn’t just fall on or in something by mistake, it’s contemplated, justified, and sought out.

This Goes Out to All My Baby Mamas

And daddies…the sorry ones. Lord knows I get tired of seeing you.

So, I was waiting at the Five Points Marta Station the other day, when I hear this man walk up with 4 kids, ages three to five years old. “Stop swinging that goddamn thing!” he yells at them (sorry Lord, but the people must know). Then he realizes that after waiting 10 minutes, we still will not be able to get on the train that just pulled up, he continues, “They would send this raggly ass train during rush hour. This mothaf*er don’t event work!” So you know the educator in me cringed. And I’m sure we’ve all seen it, some parent that quite frankly, has no business being one. I’m sorry, but you can have your habits all you want to, those bits of your personality that make you, you. However, if those bits of your personality are filled with ignorance and anger, be another person around your kid.

Some parents don’t have the temperament for children, the class to raise any, or the sense to monitor their behavior or words around them. And we wonder, what is missing from the coming generations? Guidance. Love. These parents are so angry, at the world, their situation, their life, their kids, and so uneducated about what it takes to be a good parent, and unfortunately the children bare the brunt. These children grow up not understanding what love is, how care is exhibited, and what boundaries are.

Ladies, stop bringing different "uncles" around your kids all the time, knowing you're an only child. And men, stop thinking its cute to have your son hang with you and your homeboys when y'all are drinking, smoking, and listening to foul music. We really underestimate what children remember, and what parts of ourselves we pass on to them. But at an early age, these things stick.

Though people do not always plan on being parents, parenting should be purposeful. You should purposefully incorporate them into your life, into your time, into your daily routine. Parenting is so much more than buying your child nice clothes, enrolling them in a school, and letting the television act as a babysitter. If you think that life post children will be the exact same as life before, then society has to pay for your selfishness.

As a parent, one must realize that there might be parts of yourself that you may have to temporarily let go, or at least sensor around your child. Children are like sponges, and they pick up on everything. Are you doing or saying things around your child that you would punish them for? If so, you might want to look at yourself, and make that CHANGE.

Even Victoria Knows this Secret

You know what? As women, we love to set ourselves up for the okey doke. We lie to ourselves, try to convince ourselves of certain things that we just KNOW aren’t the truth. Like….acting like we’re not going to have sex with someone, be physically intimate with someone, or just a little bit freaky with someone, but we wear our cute panties anyway. Awww ladies, don’t you go there giving me the side eye like you don’t know what I’m talking about.

I was talking to a girlfriend the other day, and I asked her about an old flame of hers, and she spoke about how they had just seen each other. “I mean, yea we had sex, so…, “ she says. “I really wasn’t planning on it, and I really didn’t want to, but you know, of course I wore cute underwear anyway.” Now of course, I looked at her like, “girl, you already know,” cause she set herself up. Of course you’re thinking that you want to be prepared in the off chance that something actually goes down, but what I’m saying to you is, it’s probably a lot less likely to be the off chance, and more likely to be the, “Its going down. I have some sexual frustration. If he even looks at me with piercing eyes, I’m going to drop the draws” chance. And that’s cool…do you boo boo, just don’t sit up there trying to front like you did not know it was going to happen.

Its like we want it to happen, but for some reason we like to play coy, and let the guys do the initiating. I’m not saying all of the time, but particularly in the “I’m not studying him” phase that so many of us go through, we want it to seem as if we were not only suckered into intimacy, but also that we wear cute panties like this every day. Let me let you in on something…we’re not slick, even Victor knows this secret.

So the next time you’re in the “I’m not studying him” phase and he comes over, or you go to give him a visit, do one of two things. Either say and be okay with, “We’re going to have sex when we see each other,” and wear the laciest, sheerest, sexiest panties you can find or say, “We’re just going to chill and hang out,” and plunge into the biggest, most ugliest, grandmaest draws in your drawer…you know you have them. And let the secret out…

Classification vs. Stereotyping

Dating back to elementary school, second grade if we were advanced, we learned one major thing in our science classes during the life science unit. We learned how to classify objects, things, animals, people. It was at this time that we truly learned the difference between reptiles, amphibians, mammals, birds, and fish. We learned the difference between vertebrates and invertebrates. We learned how to group animals according to the similarities and differences in their appearance, their behavior, even down to what they ate. We were so proud of ourselves in that we could look at a picture, and identify to which group, that animal belonged. Gold star for us!

Our parents even took this lesson outside of the classroom doors. There are strangers and non-strangers, and we don’t talk to the strangers. And as we grew older, we continued to classify. Healthy vs. non-healthy. Smart vs. dumb. Pretty vs. ugly. We gave everyone and everything a label, a group to belong, to which it was fairly difficult to switch up, or pass on to the other side. But then our classification seemed to be taken to another level, where it was helpful to identify groups of people as having the same characteristic. For instance, you see a shifty-eyed, gold mouthed, baggy pants wearing, teenager walking towards you..What do you do? Well, if you’re like me you become extra aware of your surroundings, you may even pull your purse in a little tighter, and you may avoid eye contact at all costs. I guess what I’m saying is, we all “classify,” and much of the time, we do it for safety reasons. We do not have time to size up each shifty-eyed person we see individually, so we put those individuals into one group…the “let me avoid them” group.

This whole idea of classificiation vs. stereotyping came to me the other day while I was reading an online forum about an event that was being held in Piedmont Park in Atlanta, Georgia. It’s called Screen on the Green, and it happens every Thursday in June. It’s been going on for years, and I have attended one myself. No problems, no drama, no issues. But this year, there were some shootings at the event. The forum was basically attributing all of the issues that happened at the park to black teenagers, and saying that stuff like this often happens when black teenagers are around. Now, why’d you have to go and pull out the race card son!?!? So of course, people started commenting on how it was not okay to group people like that, and so forth. But at the end of the day…..

I mean, the reality of the situation is…whenever we hear about violence, or someone breaking into someone else’s house, or theft, more than likely, it’s a black person. And whether we as black people are ready to admit it or not, that is the truth. Not to say that all black people are into illegal activity, because I certainly know many educated, law abiding black citizens, but if there is a situation where there is some illegal, potentially violent behavior, especially in a city with a lot of black folks, the person will often be black. Let’s just be honest. If we hear about a sniper or someone going to their job and shooting people, more often than not, we assume that it is a white person. Whenever we hear about a robbery or a murder, we assume it’s a black person. And though our assumptions seem stereotypical, there is some truth to them. Before making such a claim, of course, I researched the Office of Juvenile and Delinquency Prevention and the Sentencing Project. Blacks led the country in incarceration rates, violent crimes, and property crimes.

So just as we have been taught to classify based on common behavior patterns, communication styles, and appearances, those classifications also go our views of people. It’s unfortunate but we all do it on a daily. All I can say is that we should try to keep as much of our humanness, gentleness, and innocence as we possibly can in our everyday interactions with others. What do you think the difference is between classification and stereotyping? Is there a difference? And when does engaging in classification or stereotyping become harmful?

I do...do I?

This new phenomenon is quite disgusting…quite depressing…quite on my nerves. We have all heard it from some 35+ person in our lives that quite frankly puts a dent in our respect for their love life. “Well we’ve been dating for years. We have two kids together, so we just went ahead and did it. We went ahead and got married.” Newsflash, in case you were wondering, don’t just go ahead and marry me. I want the real thing. It seems as if we have it all backwards. If we could just take a second and go back to the Stone Age. Remember the childhood song that we all hated, but secretly loved to hear, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage.” We blushed when we heard those words. Our friends were teasing us, but at some point we thought that perhaps we did want love first, then marriage, then a baby. What happened?

Okay, I got it. Things don’t necessarily happen that way. People make love in the club, babies get born in the hospital…I get it. I’m not even trippin on that. What I’m saying is, babies come, people get married, and we’re not even sure if love is there. People are entering into marriage way less deliberately, less passionately, than ever before. It’s like, well we’ve being playing house all this time, why not go ahead and make it official. But if your heart is not in it, then why sign up for the formality?

Like I said, don’t just go ahead and marry me. I’ve always thought that sounds so much less on purpose. That it is more of a business deal, or well it just makes sense deal, than a love deal, a dealing of the heart. I want someone to want to be with me, to love me, and to actually want to spend the rest of their life with me. I don’t want to enter into marriage with someone because it’s easier that way, or because it just makes sense, or because we have been pretending for years. I want that person to undoubtedly feel that I am the one for them, not just the convenient one. Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic, but I would rather be engaged in a business deal instead of being married to one.

So what causes someone to just “go ahead and do it?” I know that I’ve discussed the idea that it’s easier that way, that they are comfortable not shaking the status quo, but I cannot help but to wonder if that person has in their mind given up on anything better. Have they decided that this is probably the best I’m going to get? I have two kids, dating is hard, we’ve been together all this time, and quite frankly, this is it..this is what love has for me. She cooks, she cleans, she takes care of my kids, and there are not many women that are going to put up with what I’m bringing. Or, he takes care of me and my kids, he works, and it’s nice having a man around the house, and there aren’t many men that are going to come in and take care of kids that aren’t theirs. Let’s just go ahead and do it..let’s just go ahead and get married. So you say you do…but do you?

Oh and although Carrie Bradshaw inspires me, I actually wrote this piece before Sex and the City 2 was released.

Another One Bites the Dust

A suburbanite. An educator. Having led a fairly sheltered life, even I am not exempt. Even I have been affected by this epidemic that is plaguing our community. What am I talking about is young black men that have been, are, or will be, caught up in the justice system. If we turn on the evening news, we can see how black men are continuously involved in illegal activity that lands them on my T.V. screen, in the courts, and in jail or prison or dead. But for most black people, even sheltered suburbanites like myself, we do not have to turn on the T.V. to learn of another black man that has just virtually ruined his life or at least put a major dent in its progress.

Recently, cousins and childhood friends of this suburbanite have faced charges ranging from terroristic threats, to pimping, to robbery, to murder. And I am sure that it will not take you long to think of someone in your circle with a similar story. So if everyone knows someone, who knows someone, who knows someone, who has this story, where is the black community going? Yes, we have made huge advances…Obama is President, but the state of the black community is in despair.

I was having a lively debate with my cousin who was basically stating that “the system” has set our young black men up for failure. They have put drugs into the community, subjected black kids to poor education, etc. And while I agree that these things definitely contribute to the hardships that blacks, and black men specifically face, I had to ask, where is the accountability? I definitely do not want to negate responsibility that these factors carry, but what does identifying them as a reason for our condition do for our condition? We as a community cannot waste another breath blaming someone for what we are currently facing, but instead we need to look within to find out what we can do to help alleviate some of the affects. We are the ones making black men an endangered species, by killing each other over money, power and respect. We sell drugs to our brothers and sisters, leaving them addicted to crack cocaine. We have numerous babies out of wedlock, signing our children up for the many dangers that come along with a single parent home. We leave our children to raise themselves, thinking that real parenting does not involve being an active parent.

My point is, yes, there are definitely systemic institutions and barriers that have, and continue to hold black people back from truly living a life of greatness, but there are so many things that we are doing that make our condition worse instead of better. There are things that at the bare minimum we can do the place ourselves in a better position. It’s a multifaceted problem with no quick solution. But the time is now…

Danger! She smashed the homies!

Some friends of mine were having a conversation on Google’s version of Twitter, Google Buzz, about homieloverfriends and smashing. The question was asked, “What’s the difference between a friend and a homegirl?” It boiled down to two opposing opinions: men want to sleep with their friend, but hang out with their homegirl vs. men smash their homegirl, cause she’s always around, but that they want to smash the friend. It seemed as if we were beating around the bush, or putting it lightly when it came to homieloverfriends, when a friend took it upon herself to sum everything up. “No matter what the moniker used, you're probably getting/have gotten/or likely to get smashed...cause at the end of the day, isn't smashing what it’s all about?”

When I read those words, coming from a female friend of mine, I had to stare at the screen for awhile, and honestly chuckle a little. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. A male friend once told me that he has thought of every female friend in his life that way, like once he meets a woman, he thinks in essence, “is she smashable?” Because if smashing is indeed what it is all about, have we not missed the mark? I guess maybe I’m an old romantic, but my thoughts are, isn’t love what it’s all about? Since when did smashing replace genuinely liking and getting to know someone? We have substituted mental and emotional intimacy for expressions of sexuality and physicality. I am not saying that these two entities are mutually exclusive, because they clearly are not, but when did the order get reversed? I guess the question in the “yes,” “no,” “maybe” box note was not what I had imagined it to be.

So if smashing is what it’s all about, dinner, movie, and sexting are your foreplay.

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No Shoes No Socks will be a place where you can just kick back, relax, and read about my thoughts, perceptions, and experiences with the world. I may talk about love, life, the world of work, racism, societal pressures, etc. You never know what you're going to get when you turn to No Shoes No Socks, but I'd like to think that whatever interests me, will also interest you. So thanks for visiting, sit back and relax with No Shoes No Socks.