A Woman's Gotta Have it

Of course, T.I., T.I.P., Clifford Harris, whatever you would like to call him, is a rapper, a lyricist, an entertainer, but I would venture to say that during a fairly recent interview he made one of the most profound assertions ever to be made regarding love and relationships. “Its two types of dudes who will never have a problem getting a woman, a man of danger and a man who’s funny. If you can make her safe or make her laugh, or both, you’re good.” Wanting to make sure I got the quote correct, I pulled up the interview, took out my pencil and pad, and watched the clip repeatedly. Oh how I love TI’s Southern pastoral, Oswald Bates-In Living Color, type vibe!

I began to reflect on my past relationships and my desires in a mate. Comical. Check. Risky. Check. Not quite right or parent approved. Check. TI was right. I fit the bill. For some reason, those two things had been extremely appealing to me. And if they had both, even better. I will say that I’ve evolved, a bit, but I would really like to use TI’s philosophy to take up for myself and most women. This is a little different from the old idea that good girls like bad boys, but the underlying reason is the same. Women like a man that makes them feel secure. And this is more than just financial. Most women find comfort in knowing that their man is a “man,” with masculine attributes, confidence, and strength. As we get older, we don’t want the “thugs” that we did back in high school, but we definitely appreciate the men that can get “project-ish” if they need to.

And laughter; nothing is sexier than a man that is funny, but doesn’t try to be. He’s confidently funny, not over doing it, but has a clever sense of humor. He can keep us feeling light-hearted, entertained, and carefree. I sense my perfect boo. Men, if you can provide neither comic relief nor security, I suggest you start investing in a 401K.

Boxer briefs vs. Panties

While boxer briefs are fairly comfortable, that is not necessarily the point of this post. I’m sure we all know someone, or maybe we are that someone, that after a lot of heartbreak and headache, there comes a time that we as women try to disengage ourselves from men emotionally, and try instead to pursue a mainly physical or social relationship with a guy. In essence, we want to date like a man. We want to be able to have sex with a man, go out on multiple dates, or get our foreplay on, without any attachment, any feelings, any real connection with the other person. But can we really do it?

My girlfriends and I definitely all went through an “imma do me” phase of our own, some to a greater or lesser extent, some to a more reckless extent than others, some for a longer time than others, but what it meant, for all of us, was that we wanted to get ours. We wanted to experiment. We wanted to be able just have fun, let ambitions go, and not have a bunch of emotion attached to it. We wanted to be as detached as we had perceived men to be. And of course, since we were all coming to this idea at the same time, we were our best cheerleaders…"mmmhmm girl! Do you, cuz imma do me..imma do me! That’s all I can tell you. I gotsta get mine!" We were so into it, and so convinced that we could actually do this, and be successful at it.

What we didn’t know was, or perhaps we were in denial that we already have one up on men when it comes to dealings of the heart for two main reasons. First, since birth we have been conditioned to think with our hearts, rather than our heads, and secondly, whether we like to admit it or not, the estrogen in our bodies contributes to our emotionality. So we kind of set ourselves up, thinking that we could let go of the first 27 years of our life, and turn over a brand new leaf of behaving and interacting with men. Granted, we were decently successful at it, some more than others, but after awhile, not only had reality set in, the feelings had also.

Though we were slow to admit it, we had each far surpassed the “dating like a man” phase, and had actually entered into the “dang, this is actually my boo” torment. So I began to wonder; what would have made it easier? Dating multiple men, with each having the same level of fervor or chemistry? Keeping the physicality out of the “relationship?” Always making sure that we had the upper hand in the direction of the “relationship?” I don’t know. I don’t have the answer, but what I do know is that somehow, what we each were trying to avoid, actually found its way back to us. And we ended up having to not only grapple with these feelings, but also the disbelief and shock that these feelings had actually formed. So I ask you, America, boxer briefs or panties; can women wear both?

Hanging On = A Travesty

I was “talking” to a girlfriend of mine on one of the infamously impersonal, yet perfectly convenient messaging sites, G-Chat, when the ubiquitous topic of men and dating came up. I asked her if the most important thing in dating was whether or not the other person treated her well. Of course, like any other self respecting woman, she replied, “umm, yes of course.” So then I asked, “has that led your dating decisions?” In dating, there are so many considerations that come into play, so many factors that we must wrestle with, that I began to wonder, “when deciding on whom we date, whom we give our time, do we use their treatment of us as a guide?" I would venture to say that the answer is oftentimes no.

Everyone knows that men and women can stay in a relationship for many reasons, and not one of them may have anything to do with how the other person treats them. For women, the sex may be good, they may feel lonely, or the man may spoil the woman with gifts, but at the core of the relationship, there is nothing substantial. For some reason, usually dealing with a lack of self-esteem, a lack of entitlement that one deserves something better, or some false security, the woman continues to pursue a relationship in which his treatment of her is subpar. For men, they may stay in a relationship because it’s fairly easy with this person, its best to have someone around, she may let him live out his fantasies in the bedroom, or because she seems like the best option amongst a host of bad ones. However, if we were to reflect on how considerate one person is of the other, we would be at a loss concerning the longevity of the relationship.

So, you may be reading this, thinking that this does not describe you at all. And it may not. In that case, I congratulate you. But for the many others of us, that cannot say it with confidence, here’s a test. 1) What does that person do for you? I’m not necessarily asking if the person buys you gifts or treats you to dinner all of the time, but what do they do for you? What about your life is enhanced since you’ve been dating them? 2) Do they seem to consider you in their decisions? I am not talking about decisions to buy a house or a car, you may or may not even be to that level, but do they consider you when they make plans to hang out with their friends or go out of town or work late? 3) When you discuss how you like to be treated, how you receive love, do they make efforts to meet that need for you? If you tell them that quality time is important, do they make an attempt to meet you in that necessity? 4) This one is quite simply…do they even like you? Like genuinely like you: who you are, what you stand for, what you bring to the table? And lastly 5) If you were dating someone else that was unattractive, financially unstable, or the sex was bad, and treated you similarly, would you stay?

If we’re honest with ourselves, we may find that we oftentimes stay in situations that quite frankly, aren’t worth our time. We know that it is not going anywhere, or that if all things were perfect, this person that we are dating would in actuality, be someone else. Now this is not to say that every "relationship" one has needs to lead to something serious, but it at least needs to be something that respects who you are as a person. So I challenge you, realize your worth, realize your needs, and find someone that truly meets them. Say goodbye to Mr. or Mrs. Right Now, and say hello to getting yourself right for when Mr. or Mrs. Right comes along. If not, you'll be hanging on to something that's certainly not there.

Gravity

“Girls you know you better watch out. Some guys, some guys are only about, that thing, that thing, that thing,” Lauryn Hill warned us years ago. She was warning that some men are only after one thing, and in the previous verse, she gave that same warning about women. Men and women, though trying to hide their truths, are all after some “thing.” While I agree with Lauryn, and it’s actually one of my favorite songs of hers, I want to take her song a step further. In relationships, and even in our friendships or familyships, we all have a “thing” that attracts us or repels us from another person. I am not talking about the way a person looks or the kind of financial stability they offer, I am talking about “that thing.” “That thing” is more of a feeling that a person allows us to experience when we are in their presence or in communication with them. This is what turns casual dating into exclusivity, exclusivity into engagement, engagement into marriage, and marriage into forever. The presence or lack thereof has large affects on the strength of the relationship.

For some of us, “that thing” could be “feeling understood.” That person makes us feel as if they understood our experiences, our fears, our troubles. They really get “us,” the essence of who we are as people. We feel as if we don’t have to explain all of our idiosyncrasies to them, because for some reason, they already know. For others of us, “that thing” could be “feeling wanted.” That person is so into our physical, spiritual, or emotional being that we really can feel their desire for us. That attracts us to them. One of our needs is to feel wanted, and their ability to provide that for us is attractive. For some men, “that thing” may be that she makes you feel strong, or needed. Instead of emasculating you, she makes you feel that you are her hero, her strength, and that you are not merely an addition, but more of a complement. You know that you have a place in her life.

“That thing” can really separate the boys from the men, the girls from the women, the jump offs from the boos. One person could be dating two people with the exact same credentials, in regards to attractiveness, personality, career, but where they land in that person’s life could be completely different, if they are offering “that thing.” A woman can have a man that treats her nicely, cares for her, and shows it in his actions, but if her “thing” is to feel uninhibited, and he doesn’t provide that for her, her heart may be found elsewhere. She may need someone that helps her release her inhibitions, her fears, her self-checks, and if she doesn’t feel comfortable to do that with him, a vital part of their relationship will be lacking. Likewise, a man can have a woman that cooks, cleans, provides “that thing” that Lauryn was talking about, but he may not be completely invested. If his “thing” is that his woman makes him feel “safe,” safe to let go, safe to confide, safe to give his all, and that woman does not make him feel “safe,” it may seem like his presence is there, but his heart is not.

The funny thing about “that thing” is that it differs from person to person. It may be something that I want, but it could be something that another person needs…like gravity. Many times, the “that thing” in our life, stems from something in our past, perhaps a relationship, an interaction, an event, and it has come to shape or determine our future relationships. I would say that before you go from one person to the next, thinking, “I don’t know, it’s just something about them that I don’t like,” do some self searching. So I ask you, what’s your “that thing?”